Cupcake Riot!

Hey Guys!

I have a new sketch comedy group called Cupcake Riot! It stars comedians Samuel J. Comroe, Drew Lynch, and myself; along with film maker Cedric Harris.

Go to our YouTube page and subscribe!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TnGd8im8FU&feature=colike

Go there so you won't have to read every annoying posts about how I made ambiguously gay videos with Cupcake Riot and deny any gay relations... I'm not gay.

-Dustin

Time

There are a couple of things that scare me now-a-days. Here is a quick list of things that make me poop myself on site:

-Spiders
-Death
-Bullets
-unfrozen Popsicles
-heights
-certain kind of dogs
-Mordor
-organized government
-fire
-A Random Mel Gibson Attack
-Youth

Yes, Youth. There is nothing scarier than youth; they creep up behind you and once you notice they are there then it is too late. Kind of like walking through life, turning the corner just to see the Twilight Zone guy, and knowing some crazy shit is going to go down.

Why does today's youth scare me? Because they are just so stupid and when they come into power things are going to be worse, Mad Max worse but with cooler mohawks. Sure our parent's generation has done some idiotic things: Watergate, Wars, Spandex; and sure our generation has continued that trend of moronic acts: More Wars, The financial collapse, the Kardashians; but this new generation is going to reach a whole new level of doofis-ness (yes, I just created a word on how dumb they are).

First, they don't read. To their argument, why read? Why read when you have endless amounts of channels on Television, when I can see a race between two blind dwarfs and an obese conjoined twins?? Why read and know about the great art the has inspired and moved generations past depressions and into ideological eras? When this generation does read its books by Chelsea Handler and Snookie (are you fucking kidding me? Snookie? people are willing to read a book by a fat herpes filled twinkie than someone like Mark Twain or Jane Austin). Wow, what a generation they are going to be when their greatest author got crabs while being drunk in a hot tub.

Second, Tattoos. Now let there one thing be clear, I have nothing against tattoos. They are a great way to express ones motivation or to have a memorial for a loved one. They are great in moderation. Key word is moderation. I love Lord of the Rings but in Moderation because if I loved them without moderation then I would be a virgin who eats Cheetos all day long instead of a guy who got lucky once and eats Cheetos all day long. Now if you have more tattoos than shirt covering your body there is something wrong here. How do you expect anyone to take you seriously, heck even your kids to listen to you. "Where did you learn that kind of behavior?" "I don't know dad, from that half naked chick holding a sword riding a tiger". See my point? Want to be different? Don't get a tattoo, everyone has them now-a-days

Third, narcissism. My generation is the best, plain and simple. USA!USA!USA! - there is never a wrong time to start a USA! Chant.

New Applebees Dinner Items!

Here are a few new items waiting for you next time you enter your neighborhood's Applebees!

The Double Triple Burger

This delicious meat-safari will send your tongue big game hunting! We don't only give you three juicy meat patties, we double that! Have you ever heard of a meat comma? Don't worry you will once you wake up from one after finishing this endangered species!




Darryl Strawberry's Chili Fries

We start with a bed of golden 'cooked to perfection french fries' then add grandma's home cooked chili, top it with FOUR different types of cheeses, and finish it with a dash of hobo spices. Why do we call it Steve Job's Chili Fries? After finishing a plate, you are sure to have colon cancer.



The Good For You Salad

We here at Applebees are committed to stop childhood obesity and we think this salad is step in the right direction. What screams healthier than free range, corn fed, all white meat chicken; DEEP FRIED. We put that on a bed of napkins with your choice of dressings; Buttermilk Ranch, Double Molasses BBQ, or Quadruple Honey Mustard.




Starlet Fajita

USDA Marinate steak with bell peppers and onions served on a sizzling hot griddle. (CAUTION: The fajita griddle is extremely hot. One touch could cause 1st degree burns and an extensive trip to the hospital where your family will forget who you are due to your addiction to pain killers.




Eye Opener Margarita

Tequila, Spiced Rum, Apple Juice, Margarita Mix, and dark memories of summer camp that have kept you awake for countless nights; blended and served in your very own take-home Applebees' glass!

Funny Videos

Here are a collection of videos I find hfunny and I hope you find them funny too. You may have seen them before, if you have then you are a no good communist.

1)Bat Fight - Classic video, well made. This song will be stuck in your head for some time.


2)Handsome Men Club - This aired 2 years ago and it still makes me laugh. Whoever thought about having Tony Romo in the Handsome Men Club is retardedly wrong.



3)Terrible substitutions - Anyone that knows me knows I am a sucker for those Corona commercials, oh GOD do I wish I was on the beach doing nothing with my life getting drunk with no friends around me. Also obvious goofs. Mad respect to the film crew who think they can pull this off. Keep your eye on #89

Classification of Bros

Many a day I have spent studying this creature; lurking in the shirt rack at a Hollister writing down every douchey thing I see, immersing myself in the club culture only to find out it was a Persian Restaurant. Here are the types I have found, documented, tagged, and sent back on their wild red bull loving ways.

The Desert Bro



The desert bro can be found anywhere dirt bikes, raised trucks, and blaring Nickelback meet. He is easy to spot with his Monster energy drink gear, cargo shorts, black socks, and sandals. The farther in the desert you travel the more facial hair/piercings this species seems to receive. If you listen quietly you can hear this magical beast's mating call of "Sweet". His diet consists of Coors Light, Monster Energy Drinks, and getting sick air. If you ever find yourself being attacked by one of these desert dwellers, grab the nearest magazine and swipe at the nose of the most dominate male.

Frat Bro



A more younger species than its brother in the desert, this Bro can be found anywhere three greek letters are put together in front of a beat down house. This bro's numbers multiply every August and can be identified with his popped Abercrombie and Fitch collar, sandals, "LiveStrong" yellow wrist band, and backwards baseball cap to a team whose city he can't locate on a map. Strictly traveling in herds, he can 'never leave a bro for a b*&#h". A remarkable creature who can survive strictly on his parents feeding his BofA account. If ever confronted by one of these Bros, simply ask an academic question; it paralyzes them.


The Justin Timberlake Bro




Named after the Actor/Singer/Florida native because of the almost doppelganger look this creature tries to pull off (but ultimately fails. A nocturnal bro, it is rare to see this species out in day light. He can be found anywhere where Justin Timberlake songs, Grey Goose, cameras, and scantily clad woman are, normally clubs or karaoke bars. Though it is the hardest bro to track down he is quite easy to identify. Simply look for a fedora; if it is a female then she is out of touch with fashion, if it is a male then you have found yourself a Justin Timberlake Bro. His mating call is a simple "My Roommate's Not Home". A Justin Timberlake bro can survive strictly on his own ego. If you are ever attacked by this Bro just make an observation that his vest doesn't match his shoes. He will quickly back down.


The Italian Bro/Guido



Currently in the limelight for its douchbaggary qualities, this bro is often mistaken for the gym rat bro. Currently this is a great documentary about his species of bro titled "Jersey Shore". I recommend watching only the highlights of this documentary only because if you watch the whole show there is a good chance for mental retardation. If you ever confront one of these bros in real life you are pretty screwed; not a whole lot you can do to stun this creature, God blessed it with a thick head and greasy hair.

That is all for now. Next time we will look at the Chris Angel Bro, Gym Rat Bro, and the once extinct Persian Bro.

Funny Pictures

I'd thought I would share some pictures that I have seen that I think are hilarious. Followed by my analysis on why these pictures are hilarious.



Outside of the obvious joke, what makes this funny is 2 different things; 1) The tone of the message is serious. (2) It is written on a chalk board.



For those of you who might miss this joke, Galactus is a Marvel villain who destroys planets. He is God like in Human/beast like form. For him to be on the couch, in a robe, most likely watch Maury is hilarious. Also he does need to get a job, free loaders piss me off.



This is semi funny (it is an add after all) but I despise bros. My next blog will explain the different types of bros. I have been studying them like a scientist studies monkeys... Yup I made up my mind, I will discuss Bros in depth.

Inspirational Quotes

This blog is filled with quotes that should be thought upon daily, kind of like how we think about the Kardashians daily.

"Let he without sin cast the first stone" - Jesus

"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past" - George Orwell

"Normalcy is an Illusory state, the only constant is change." - Heraclitus

"It has to start somewhere. It has to start somehow. What better place than here? What better time than now?" - Zach De La Rocha

"Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn." - Ben Franklin

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. " - Lao Tzu

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

"With War, Truth is the first causality" - Aeschylus

"A joke is a very serious thing" - Winston Churchill

"You can never step in the same river twice" Heraclitus

Comedy Works

I had the great pleasure of hosting a comedy show this weekend for Samuel J. Comroe as he had his first headlining gig in LA at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. The Friday line up alone was amazing; you seriously couldn't ask for a better show.

I hosted, then introduced Adam Ray. If you have never had a chance to see Adam Ray go to his site (adamraytv.com) and enjoy yourself. Well not like that, please zip up the pants. Adam has one of my favorite stand up jokes of all time (he talks about Folgers Coffee). He was kind enough to do the joke which got an applause break; absolutely hilarious.

After Adam I brought up Tony Baker (Tonybakercomedy.com). Tony Baker is one of my good friends in stand up and also one of the realist, nicest, humble gentlemen you will ever meet. As he weaves his way through act-outs and story jokes; Tony makes you feel like you have been his friend for more than the 20 minutes he has been on stage. When he says "Good Night, enjoy Sam", you wish you had at least 10 more minutes with him so he can dazzle you with another one of his stories.

Time for the Headliner - Samuel J. Comroe (samueljcomroe.com). Sam is rare beast of a comic. Not only does Sam have a special voice because he has tourrettes but he also can go off on 10 minute tangents with the crowd based on something he sees and the crowd is with him every joke along the way. He has this likability about him that you have to see to understand. He hits the stage running with joke after joke after joke, like a machine gun that shoots jokes (okay I am really bad at metaphors). Long story short, Sam is relentless. See him now before you have to pay $50 bucks a ticket to see him in an amphitheater.

The Saturday show was even better. Same line up but replace Adam Ray with Dave Reinitz and Jackson McQueen. If I could summarize Dave in a sentence it would be: Dave is a little Jew man who is mad at the corporations and the Idiocracy of today and he has had enough. Jackson (twitter.com/jacksonmcqueen) is a whole different beast himself. He can make the crowd laugh by just looking oddly at the crowd. Just an all around sense of fun with Jackson that is a tough act to follow.

For those who didn't get a change to see the show, you really missed out. That was the highest caliber of comedy you could have seen and it will be a show people will be talking about for some time.

The Two Towers

Man I wish this was a Lord of the Rings Blog but it's not. That will have to wait for another day when the King Returns... get it? Return of the King?? *sigh* I'm going to die alone and depressed. This is about America becoming a two party political system. "Dusty, you are very opinionated and talk too much about politics." Well here is a silly picture to hold you over:




People argue that the two party system is a good thing because it would be too cluttered and the majority won't get their choice in the office. Those people are either called Liberal Hippies or Conservative Douches. For the rest of us we agree with both sides, some more than others. Most people feel that they don't have a good choice on the ballot, either they vote for a dude who won't do something or they will vote for a guy that is going to shoot his friends in the face. "Why don't you write in your choice?" That would be the same as not voting at all.

Another downside to this two party system is it has become so split that if a senator or representative crosses the isle (that is a fat white guy term for voting for something of the opposite political party view) he is in fear of never being voted back in office. Man this sounds familiar, what does this kind of action sound like? When a group ostracizes you and gives you the cold shoulder for doing what you think is right. hmmm OH THAT'S RIGHT, High School, except I think I cried a whole lot less in High School than I do now.

So what are we to do with this two party system? Shall we all write in new candidates? Shall we vote for a 3rd party representative? Possible and very good options. Outside of pie-ing every Senator and Representative in the face (buy stock in Marie Calendar's first before) I say we write to our local representative. They have to know they're job is hanging on the wire as much as our own jobs are. They shouldn't be applauded for getting this debt ceiling crisis fixed. That is their job, I have never been applauded for getting my bosses coffee. (though there was the one time he threw it back in my face and then collected my pain tears but that is for another blog).

Write to your local senator and demand change. If you don't get it vote for a third party who will cater to you, that is their job. It's time we take back what is rightfully ours - Our Government.

Now here is what you all came to see, MORE FUNNY PICTURES!

Stand Up

There has to be something that drives you and no I am not talking about the will to see One Tree Hill on your DVR at night. I'm talking about what you believe it and want to take a stand for. For some it is the thought of providing for themselves or a loved one, others it's a dream they are chasing, and for those selected few it is the fact they can go home and watch Chad Michael Murray look delicious in their HDTVs. (Yes, that is two One Tree Hill references in on paragraph, you are welcome America... and some parts of Mexico.) Yet, most of US don't feel one way or another when it comes to issues/concerns that is out of our peripheral vision.

There is a lot that is going on outside our window and we don't have a clue. Now I am not going to preach to you what you should be interested in because it is harming you in unimaginable ways (psst, it has to do with your bowels). Sure, there are issues people should be keeping informed on because it has to do with their future and the future of One Tree Hill (oh lawrd, will those kids ever put away their angst??). The problem isn't within the issue the problem is that people aren't knowing the issues and taking a stand.

I am not going to preach at you about how you shouldn't stare at Chad Michael Murray's rock hard abs (last One Tree hill reference, I promise.) and instead pick up a sign to protest the wage of tomato pickers. Though I am going to preach to you that you should know there is an issue with the tomato pickers; whether you agree or not on what they are getting paid is up to you. (though you are a monster if you disagree with ANY of my views... a nasty slimy monster).

See people now a days don't care; there is this general sense of apathy amongst everyone and that has to stop. Why does it have to stop? Because it is going to start affecting us. Now what am I saying that is different that any hippy at a Phish concert? well, first, I hate Phish. They are a bunch of dirty hippies who need to take showers and get real job. Second, there are moves on capitol hill, wall street, local districts that are going to make it where we are going to look back at this blog and go "Why did I ever read that Ginger's Blog??".

Okay let's say you don't care about the people in office, just looking at them gives you the feeling of being touched at summer camp, fair, then take a stand for caring for one another. Help out one another, there are people in need that could desperately need your time and money. Now, I'm not going to tell you where you should spend your resources you Slimy Monster but just give a damn.

That is all I ask: take a stand, learn the issues (political or for caring for one another) and do something about it. If we don't then we are letting that dipshit, who reminds the teacher about homework, rule our lives as we 'focus' on what Jersey Shore Guido is getting and STD from another Guido...

Take a look at these sites if you would like:

Freerice.com - it's a site where you play trivia games and for every correct answer you donate rice to a starving family.

dropinthebucket.org - A sight where you can help give poverty ridden countries drinking wells.

invisiblechildren.com - End child soldiers in central Africa.

Documentaries

I have been on this documentary kick as of late. I have watched all kinds of documentaries; from people going to China to purchase tea to CGI Dinosaurs making love (and let me tell you that is it quite a tearful site when a T-Rex decides to father his babies). There is one downside to watching all of these documentaries, Pompousness.

I can not begin to tell you how many people I have looked down on because they did not know who created the Watts towers. Pssst, I'll help you out, it was created by yard gnomes... Latino Yard Gnomes. I even watch Documentaries I am not that interested in so I can be knowledgeable in that field. I can not tell you when "The Figure Skater Story" will come in handy; maybe when I am trying to impress someone at the ice rink or be a jackass at the roller rink.

I hate myself for it but I can't help myself, I think this stuff is really really interesting. I curse Netflix for giving the video heroin that I so desperately need. There should be a warning label in front of all documentary - This Documentary depicts graphic scenes and may entice you to be a complete douche bag to your friends.

Now, I am not saying that watching Documentaries are bad, though they can be meant for old people who enjoy rye bread, but we should embrace them with a sense of caution. Their goal is to educate and inform us of a life that we would know very litte with an attempt to be non-bias, even though some fail *coughmichaelmoorecough*. So we should watch and learn and that is it. If you see me on the street and recognize me; 1) wow you need a life (2) don't ask me about what documentary I saw because I would need to get down from my high horse for me to hear your question in the first place.