Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Classification of Bros

Many a day I have spent studying this creature; lurking in the shirt rack at a Hollister writing down every douchey thing I see, immersing myself in the club culture only to find out it was a Persian Restaurant. Here are the types I have found, documented, tagged, and sent back on their wild red bull loving ways.

The Desert Bro

The desert bro can be found anywhere dirt bikes, raised trucks, and blaring Nickelback meet. He is easy to spot with his Monster energy drink gear, cargo shorts, black socks, and sandals. The farther in the desert you travel the more facial hair/piercings this species seems to receive. If you listen quietly you can hear this magical beast's mating call of "Sweet". His diet consists of Coors Light, Monster Energy Drinks, and getting sick air. If you ever find yourself being attacked by one of these desert dwellers, grab the nearest magazine and swipe at the nose of the most dominate male.

Frat Bro

A more younger species than its brother in the desert, this Bro can be found anywhere three greek letters are put together in front of a beat down house. This bro's numbers multiply every August and can be identified with his popped Abercrombie and Fitch collar, sandals, "LiveStrong" yellow wrist band, and backwards baseball cap to a team whose city he can't locate on a map. Strictly traveling in herds, he can 'never leave a bro for a b*&#h". A remarkable creature who can survive strictly on his parents feeding his BofA account. If ever confronted by one of these Bros, simply ask an academic question; it paralyzes them.

The Justin Timberlake Bro

Named after the Actor/Singer/Florida native because of the almost doppelganger look this creature tries to pull off (but ultimately fails. A nocturnal bro, it is rare to see this species out in day light. He can be found anywhere where Justin Timberlake songs, Grey Goose, cameras, and scantily clad woman are, normally clubs or karaoke bars. Though it is the hardest bro to track down he is quite easy to identify. Simply look for a fedora; if it is a female then she is out of touch with fashion, if it is a male then you have found yourself a Justin Timberlake Bro. His mating call is a simple "My Roommate's Not Home". A Justin Timberlake bro can survive strictly on his own ego. If you are ever attacked by this Bro just make an observation that his vest doesn't match his shoes. He will quickly back down.

The Italian Bro/Guido

Currently in the limelight for its douchbaggary qualities, this bro is often mistaken for the gym rat bro. Currently this is a great documentary about his species of bro titled "Jersey Shore". I recommend watching only the highlights of this documentary only because if you watch the whole show there is a good chance for mental retardation. If you ever confront one of these bros in real life you are pretty screwed; not a whole lot you can do to stun this creature, God blessed it with a thick head and greasy hair.

That is all for now. Next time we will look at the Chris Angel Bro, Gym Rat Bro, and the once extinct Persian Bro.

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