Monday, April 27, 2009

The Great Train Robbery

A small train in the middle of an everyday suburban mall loads up with new eager 2-4 year old passengers. Happy moms wave to excited younglings as they chug around a small circle in the mall.

Kid #1: Wee! Mommy! Mommay! Look!
Kid #2: hahahaaaaaa!

Kid #3 sits in the front cart of the train.

Kid #3: I'm the conductor! Chu hooo!

All the kids laugh and clap with glee. Two masked men pop up from the caboose of the train.

Man #1: Alright! (shoots his gun into the air) This is a train robbery!
Man #2: Just do what we say and no one gets hurt!

Masked man #1 turns his gun on the passengers of the train.

Man #1: All your candy! Now!

The kids remain motionless and start sobbing. Masked man #1 goes into the face of a kid.

Man #1: Your candy now!

The kid empties out his pockets and puts his candy into a burlap sack, other kids follow orders.

Man #2: Who is the goddamn conductor of this thing?
Kid #1: Bad Word! Bad Word
Man #2: Quiet!

Man #2 buts the kid with his rifle.

All the kids instantly point to the kid sitting in the front of the train

Masked man #2 climbs to the front of the train and pistol whips the conductor kid, knocking him unconscious.

Man #2: This is my train now!

Man #2 notices that man #1 is pocketing some of the candy, he climbs over to man #1's cart.

Man #2: what the hell are you doing Frank?!
Man #1: what are you talking about?
Man #2: Don't play dumb with me Frank. I saw you pocketing our loot.

Man #1 turns his gun onto Man #2. Man #2 throws his hands into the air and dropping his gun.

Man #1: Look I didn't want to have to do this now, i was going to wait until we were about to leave and then shoot you in the back and get away scotch free... but you had to step in.
Man #2: Frank, how could you do this to me? I took you in when no one else would! I loved you like a brother Frank!
Man #1: Well I'm tired of living in your shadow! sorry Chuck. (BANG)

Man #1 falls to the ground revealing a diapered kid passenger holding a gun with smoke coming out of the barrel. The kid drops the kid and sucks on a lollipop. Man #2 cringes in emotional pain, looks around for the bag of candy, grabs it, and hops off the train onto a horse and rides off. The train comes to a stop, blood and bodies cover the train.

Ride Tech: Alllll right. Everyone on.

Parent in line push their crying kids onto the train.


Friday, April 24, 2009

seconds before show time

Many people wonder what goes through the head of someone that is about to hit the stage. I cant talk for everyone but this is what goes through my head a minute before i go on stage;

"amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now i'm found, was blind, but now i see"
"remember to be energetic... and smile"
"don't look down"
"what kind of crowd is it, physical. OK i gotta be more animated, milk the streamer bit"
"any cute girls in the audience"
"stay confident, you believe the joke is funny they will laugh"
"own this crowd, applause breaks on every joke"
"be more animated, try different voices, look around but make eye contact with the audience"
"have fun"
"anyone in the front row"


"Ok its go time"
"The stage is my home"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jokes That Didn't Make it to Stage

Why does it seem like tyler perry's name is on everything? There's Tyler Perry's Diaries of a mad black woman, Tyler Perry's a Family That Preys Together, and now Tyler Perry's Tampons.

Do you ever get that look where a girl looks at you across the room and you walk over to talk to her only to realize she is blind? Yea that happened to me... twice.

Expectations on dates are getting worse. Like for our parents it wasn't polite to kiss on the first date, our dates you cant put out on the first date. I can't wait for our kids, " did you get pregnant on your first date? good save that for the third"