Jokes That Didn't Make it to Stage (Part 3)

Here is are a new list of jokes that were funny but not funny enough to make it to stage.

Is it me or do the automatic paper towel dispensers sound like robot screams?

When you wash your hands do you ever worry that same one is going to walk in and think that you've just planned to take over the world.

I over react in traffic when people cut me off. I'm like "OH smooth, real smooth! let me see this jerk! He better pray for no red lights because i will beat... oh crap he's black, don't make eye contact."

The Muse

Hearts feels like it melts, dripping away,
The Sky, the air, nothing seems to be in focus.
Haunted by blissful memories of the past,
Wishing for what I know I can never have.
Eyes piercing, actually seeing inside,
You were the only one I was absolutely real with,
Quicksand of uncertainty cements my stance.
Dreams tease me,
The Muse fuels me for what I want.

Bleh!

Some Jokes That Never Made It to Stage (Part 2)

Here are some more Jokes that never made it to stage -

Movies have warped my reality. Every time there is a room with animals in it i try to do the surprise run-ins to catch them talking.

This should come to no surprise but i have 2 cats and they always hang out together. Now i'm not the jealous type but im going to spread rumors about each other so they come to me...

Do you ever get the feeling that your family thinks you're gay. for Christmas they bought me high heels "dad do you even know what gay is? "sure do, its red headed and sitting right infront of me"

Get Links

Comedy is interesting. The big guys are good because how else would they have gotten to be so big, but by the time they (example, Daniel Tosh, Jeff Dunham, Dane Cook, Jim Gaffigan)are seen they already have writers and are moving on to more comedy specials. Below are a list of great comedians who perform some of the best stage material I have ever heard.

Here are a few links to some great comedians;
Lee Levine - www.leelevine.com
Lord Carrett - www.lordorlaughs.com
Kenny Kane - www.kennykane.com
Darren Carter - www.darrencarter.com
James P. Connolly - www.jamespconnolly.tv
Dan Licoppe - www.danlicoppe.com
Claude Stuart - www.claudestuart.com

Here are some great comedy clubs:
The Comedy Spot (AZ) - www.thecomedyspot.com
The Spotlight Comedy Club (CA) - www.spotlightcomedyclub.com
The Ice House (CA) - www.icehousecomedy.com


Go Support Live Comedy, it's 10 times funnier in person. Trust Me.

Jade

I hear ricking, tick-tick-ticking at my door.
who should stand there? little Jade there, nothing more.
'what do you want here, with my time dear?'
'I am selling you a tear, nothing more'
'This is suspicious, and malicious, also fictitious'
'One of you mammals should have knew, only if you had a clue, that's why I am here'
Then Jade left in a flash, took off with dash, nothing more.
Now I stand here, with no fear, wide open is the door.

Rhetorical Questions

If you burn a flames flag is that still flag burning or bringing art to real life?

If you made a clone of yourself and kill it, is that suicide or murder?

Was is the sound of a bro's heart breaking?

What does a penguin wear when he wants to look fancy? shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt?

If you made a clone of yourself and slept with it, are you gay or just masturbating?

If a bee became albino, wouldn't it be a flying zebra?

The Morlocks

A massive open area with cliffs houses giant brown stone people are working moving rocks from one place to another. The ladder shoots down in the middle. Abe climbs down. Abe sees bridges connecting the cliffs to one another. He also sees the Morlock people in chains being whipped by bigger Morlocks. Abe waves to one of them. A woman Morlock, looks exactly like a Morlock but with blond hair, comes running out with her baby. She is at the edge of the cliff and she is trying to hand it to Abe. Abe stares at her.

ABE - That's it, I'm outta here.

Abe climbs down the ladder faster. He looks up and sees the Morlock woman crying out to Abe.

ABE -What the hell are you people?

Abe climbs down into a hole at the bottom of the Morlock society.

Top 5

Here are in my opinion, the top 5 greatest albums so far;



Primus - They all can't be Zingers
This is where you will get the greatest works of Les Claypool. Every song has layers upon layers that you can only hear with 3rd-4th time listens. No song sounds alike unless you count oddness as a sound. They are their own style and this is the best of that style. A solid listen from start to finish.



Eminem - Marshal Mathers LP
Straight up raw emotion. Every song you can hear part of his soul into, a feeling you cant get with a gay ass jack johnson cd. He says un'pc' lyrics which are hilarious. Sure he talks about killing his wife, puppy, and pretty much everything else but it is an entertaining listen. with Dre doing some of the beats you cant loose.



Static -x - Wisconsin Death Trip
One of the best metal albums out there. They grab you by the first song and dont let go until about song 10. If you are in the mood to blast some eardrums this is the cd to pick up. Lyrics dont really mean to much its all about the quick burst guitar.



Big Dumb Face - Duke Lion
No one has heard of this band and its a shame because this Cd is the most ecletric cd i have ever heard. One song goes to death metal to funky, to techno, to raw rock to rap. Bizarre to say the least but after listening you will either hate it or be extremely glad that you listened to it. Out of all the cds on this list, this is the one you have to download IF you can find it.



Buckethead - Enter the Chicken
Rounding up the top 5. This is a holy crap of guitar merry-go-round. Produced by serg from system of a down, he utilizes buckethead and makes a great cd. Like Big Dumb Face, it goes from melodic to rap to grunge to heavy metal and back again. Think of it like big dumb face but more talented.

The Great Train Robbery

A small train in the middle of an everyday suburban mall loads up with new eager 2-4 year old passengers. Happy moms wave to excited younglings as they chug around a small circle in the mall.

Kid #1: Wee! Mommy! Mommay! Look!
Kid #2: hahahaaaaaa!

Kid #3 sits in the front cart of the train.

Kid #3: I'm the conductor! Chu hooo!

All the kids laugh and clap with glee. Two masked men pop up from the caboose of the train.

Man #1: Alright! (shoots his gun into the air) This is a train robbery!
Man #2: Just do what we say and no one gets hurt!

Masked man #1 turns his gun on the passengers of the train.

Man #1: All your candy! Now!

The kids remain motionless and start sobbing. Masked man #1 goes into the face of a kid.

Man #1: Your candy now!

The kid empties out his pockets and puts his candy into a burlap sack, other kids follow orders.

Man #2: Who is the goddamn conductor of this thing?
Kid #1: Bad Word! Bad Word
Man #2: Quiet!

Man #2 buts the kid with his rifle.

All the kids instantly point to the kid sitting in the front of the train

Masked man #2 climbs to the front of the train and pistol whips the conductor kid, knocking him unconscious.

Man #2: This is my train now!

Man #2 notices that man #1 is pocketing some of the candy, he climbs over to man #1's cart.

Man #2: what the hell are you doing Frank?!
Man #1: what are you talking about?
Man #2: Don't play dumb with me Frank. I saw you pocketing our loot.

Man #1 turns his gun onto Man #2. Man #2 throws his hands into the air and dropping his gun.

Man #1: Look I didn't want to have to do this now, i was going to wait until we were about to leave and then shoot you in the back and get away scotch free... but you had to step in.
Man #2: Frank, how could you do this to me? I took you in when no one else would! I loved you like a brother Frank!
Man #1: Well I'm tired of living in your shadow! sorry Chuck. (BANG)

Man #1 falls to the ground revealing a diapered kid passenger holding a gun with smoke coming out of the barrel. The kid drops the kid and sucks on a lollipop. Man #2 cringes in emotional pain, looks around for the bag of candy, grabs it, and hops off the train onto a horse and rides off. The train comes to a stop, blood and bodies cover the train.

Ride Tech: Alllll right. Everyone on.

Parent in line push their crying kids onto the train.

THE END.

seconds before show time

Many people wonder what goes through the head of someone that is about to hit the stage. I cant talk for everyone but this is what goes through my head a minute before i go on stage;

"amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now i'm found, was blind, but now i see"
"remember to be energetic... and smile"
"don't look down"
"what kind of crowd is it, physical. OK i gotta be more animated, milk the streamer bit"
"any cute girls in the audience"
"stay confident, you believe the joke is funny they will laugh"
"own this crowd, applause breaks on every joke"
"be more animated, try different voices, look around but make eye contact with the audience"
"have fun"
"anyone in the front row"

PLEASE WELCOME DUSTY RHOADS

"Ok its go time"
"The stage is my home"

Jokes That Didn't Make it to Stage

Why does it seem like tyler perry's name is on everything? There's Tyler Perry's Diaries of a mad black woman, Tyler Perry's a Family That Preys Together, and now Tyler Perry's Tampons.

Do you ever get that look where a girl looks at you across the room and you walk over to talk to her only to realize she is blind? Yea that happened to me... twice.

Expectations on dates are getting worse. Like for our parents it wasn't polite to kiss on the first date, our dates you cant put out on the first date. I can't wait for our kids, " did you get pregnant on your first date? good save that for the third"